Dating After Divorce: 9 Ways to Get Your Divorced Boyfriend to Fall in Love With You. Being a divorced person for six years, I think I can paint a pretty accurate picture of some of the typical traits I see in divorced men. Of course, I realize every man is unique, but these are just some features that I notice a lot. Just like divorced women, divorced men are wounded. It's very obvious. They want to be loved, they want to be treated with kindness, they want to feel appreciated, and they want to feel like they are still capable of being in a healthy relationship. Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology. All that said, they don't want to be smothered. They don't want a needy woman who is demanding. And they don't want to feel obligated to do anything! Some divorced men want to fall in love right away, and some want to take their time. Never talk about the future. He has no clue as to what the answers are. All he knows is, he just got divorced and can only handle the present for right now. So, enjoy the relationship for today. Talk only in present terms. Talk about how much you are enjoying each other. Let time pass and let him breathe and get to the future. He will love you for giving him the gift of time. Give him space. The guy recently got out of a long term relationship (his marriage.) He doesn't need a girlfriend who he has to call every two minutes, or who he feels obligated to go out with every Saturday night. Let him spend time with his guy friends. Let him spend time with his children. Let him spend time alone. Give him space, and he will want you more. Be the fun girl. Chances are, the last few months (or years) of his marriage weren't fun. He probably can't remember the last time he had a good time. Be the girl who takes him to cool restaurants, who suggests an interesting museum, who makes him watch one of your favorite movies he's never seen. Show him you. Help him remember that relationships are fun and enriching.
Minimize nagging. Excessive nagging leads to getting dumped. No guy wants a girl who is constantly telling him what he can and can't do, badgering him about the things he does wrong and the bad habits he has. Accept what he is or break up with him. Show him the right amount of affection. With divorced guys, there's a fine line when it comes to how much affection they want to be shown. Divorced men want to be adored. They want cheek kisses and hand holding and hugs and an arm around them at times. They've most likely had a lack of those things for awhile. Avoid playing games. Unlike guys before marriage, divorced guys aren't into games. If you like him, he wants to know. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If he calls you, call him back. If he texts, answer the text. No need to wait two days so he will think you're cool. Divorced guys don't get scared as much as they did before marriage. They like commitment. On the other hand, if you start calling him your soul mate, start texting him every five seconds, and talk about the details of your future wedding, he will run. Don't pressure him to spend time with your kids. He's trying to spend time with his own kids, who he sees so much less than he did when he was married. Why should he feel pressured to be with your kids? It's not personal. I'm sure he likes your kids. Let the whole kid thing breathe, and it will happen naturally. Display acts of kindness. Chances are, when your guy was married, his wife wasn't very nice to him. I'm not faulting her, by the way. Whatever the situation was, at the end of the marriage, she was most likely anything but sugary sweet. So, he needs sweet. Send him a card, just to be nice. Buy him new cologne for no occasion. Give him a back rub. Make him a nice dinner. Acts of kindness go a long way. And, they are usually reciprocated. Focus on your career. There is nothing sexier to a man than a girl who loves her career, who has a passion for her work, and who goes to her job everyday with enthusiasm. But, don't just find a job you love like this for a guy, do it for yourself! Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling. She is also the author of the comedic novel, FREE GIFT WITH PURCHASE about life after divorce. Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter for the Pioneer Press, with the monthly column, . And she's divorced (obviously.). How To Date a Divorced Guy, And Why It's Worthwhile. Divorce is a doozy of a word. To most, it connotes failure, neglect, philandering, physical and/or emotional abuse, irreconcilable differences, the division of assets and toxic custody disputes. It’s no wonder so many cringe at the idea of dating someone with an ex- wife. He must so be damaged! He must have so much baggage! He must have an incurable case of halitosis! But for the single gal interested in finding Mr. Right, disregarding the divorced set isn’t just silly - - it’s downright inefficient. According to the National Survey for Family Growth (NSFG), the chances that a separation from a first marriage transitions to divorce is 5. What that translates into is a vast pool of people with priors in the Marriage Department. To overlook this group, then, is to reduce one’s options by a significant margin. Perhaps you want to be the only woman whose veil her husband removes for a special nuptial smooch; the only one to whom he gives a shiny rock on which he spent at least three months of salary; the only one whom he calls “gooey pie sweetheart” because yourlove is the sticky, finger- licking- good- to- a- sickening- degree kind. If only Happy Endings weren’t more likely to involve a wink, a nod, and a handjob than the Disney movie crap we were raised on. I’m not suggesting that anyone give up on happiness - - just that we broaden our idea of who or what might lead us there. As someone who’s been dating a divorc. First, the divorced have a proven track record of commitment. If your goal is to enter into a serious relationship, it should reassure you to know that a man doesn’t suffer from whatever phobia plagues perpetual bachelors. Second, a divorced man has likely learned from his past relationship mistakes. What some call baggage, others call vital experience. Lastly, if your plan is to marry, the statistics are on the divorced dater’s side. The NSFG cites a mere 1. For all the perks that come with dating the divorced, there are, of course, specific complications to consider. But to help those interested in tapping into this underrated category of eligible men, I’ve outlined the following five- point survival guide. Be Good At Sex. It may be difficult to pinpoint what causes a marriage to crumble, but I think we can agree that one thing is generally true of troubled couples: They do not have a lot of good sex, at least not within their matrimonial union. So unless he was completely cavalier about seeking sex outside his marriage, your divorced boyfriend has likely experienced a period of sexual deprivation in the not- so- distant past. What I’m getting at is that he will be duly grateful if you’re a badass in bed. Most men appreciate a woman who knows what she’s doing in the sack, but the divorced ilk are positioned to be doubly grateful for your bedroom enthusiasm. Being good at sex doesn’t have to mean mastering acrobatic tricks or being overly generous with fellatio, but it can. I, for one, recommend a class at Babeland called The Art of the Blowjob. Especially when dating divorced, the effort won’t go unappreciated. Don’t Disparage His Ex. If you have to vent about your divorced boyfriend’s ex, call a friend. Whatever you do, avoid berating her in front of him. Anger and resentment are unattractive emotions, and you do yourself no favors by coming across as bitter. By speaking ill of his ex, you also risk triggering his defense mechanism. No matter how many times he wonders what the fuck he was thinking when marrying the psychobitch, he was indeed married to said psychobitch at one point. This suggests that there’s a modicum of warmth towards her resting somewhere deep beneath his prostate, and it’s not in your interest to set it free by attacking her. Let him disparage her, but don’t get sucked into that vortex. That might make it tricky to insult her appearance (internally only, of course), but it’s something you have come to terms with. However, it’s dangerous to indulge your click- happy fingers when it comes to your boyfriend’s ex- wife. Depending upon how widespread her web presence, Googling the ex can lead to fixation over who she is, what she’s doing and who she’s hanging out with. It can also lead to discovery of the dated New York Times wedding announcement you don’t want to read, and reread. The main risk is that you end up uttering those disparaging thoughts you’re meant to suppress. Choose a celebrity to obsess over instead. Forget About Finances. They say divorce is expensive because it’s worth it. Without a doubt, financial issues are a leading cause of divorce. That’s probably because money matters, and money matters suck. If you’re interested in dating a divorc. Your divorced boyfriend’s alimony and/or child support payments will detract from your disposable income as a couple, and drain the funds that should be saved to support your hypothetical future family. Deal with it. If you can’t look past the cost of his first marriage, you probably deserve to be in a vapid relationship with someone who earns stupid amounts of money, but sucks in bed. Try Wall Street. 4. Be Discreet. Your boyfriend divorced his first wife, but not his entire former life. It is thus bound to be somewhat awkward for him to integrate you into his social circle, and you should be mindful of this. If he prefers to remain discreet for a while, respect his choice of hole- in- the- wall restaurant and his hesitance to be overly affectionate in public. He might ask that you refrain from advertising your relationship via social media channels, too. If you like the guy enough, it should be sufficient to be together without the whole world knowing about it from the start. On the upside of forsaking your Facebook relationship status, by being so cooperative and understanding you will showcase your unwavering devotion. Be Patient. A person who’s been- there- done- that in the marriage sphere will probably be hesitant to launch full throttle into his next relationship. In short, expect milestones to arrive at a more sluggish pace. Yes, it will be frustrating to meet his parents and to cohabitate much later than you’d like, but his reluctance to move quickly is not a reflection of his lack of feelings for you. Fielding questions from prodding family members isn’t fun for anyone, and the questions posed of a divorc. Through divorce, after all, one relinquishes their I Know How to Pick Them benefit of the doubt. Try to view the man’s plodding approach as a move to protect you from dubious glances across the honey glazed ham at Christmas. When it comes to checking off the all- important Signs of Commitment - - from the magical appearance of a second toothbrush at his house to the invitation to join his family cell phone plan - - pad your timeframe, just not so much that you feel you’re compromising your self- respect. I would encourage everyone to abandon whatever hang- ups they might have about finding an “I Do” virgin - - not only because it’s mathematically advantageous, but also because dating divorced has its own rewards. Remember, you’re not sloppy seconds. You’re an upgrade.
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